Fuck Machine

7:02 pm

Fuck Machine cleans his apartment and organizes his CDs, making sure there are a few R&B albums in the CD player. When he comes back with the lucky lady (or ladies) later tonight, he can’t have a messy crib and no slow jams, or else the lucky lady (or ladies) won’t get in the mood as quickly.

8:00 pm

Arm curls with his shirt off, in front of the mirror, followed by eighty push-ups. Fuck Machine understands the importance of muscles. Every hottie in the club is going to check out his arms tonight. Women want a man who can pick them up, hold them tight and maybe carry them to the bed afterward. If you have spaghetti arms, the ladies aren’t looking to party with you. He mixes himself a protein shake and eats the rest of the pepperoni pizza left over from the night before.

8:40 pm

Fuck Machine watches twenty minutes of Gash Slayers 4—the scene by the pool with the blond getting nailed doggystyle—and jerks off a little. Things get pretty intense, but he doesn’t come. That’s tantric.

9:00 pm

Fuck Machine ignores the ringing of the phone and waits to hear the answering machine message. It’s his man Cameo, asking where he’s at. Cameo says the boys are heading out tonight to hunt for ‘tang. Fuck Machine doesn’t want to run with his crew tonight. He’s tired of hitting clubs that are always filled with lesbian feminists. He’s tight with his boys, but they don’t know where the real action is at. Plus, they have no style and always cramp his. Tonight he’s cruising solo and panties will be droppin’.

9:17 pm

Fuck Machine hits the shower, making sure to scrub himself everywhere with soap. After the shower, he trims his facial hair and considers shaving off his goatee, maybe going for the clean-shaven look. He clips his finger and toenails while mulling the idea over.

9:20 pm

Fuck Machine decides against shaving off the goatee, realizing that the ladies like the way it tickles. They think it’s hot. He gets out the hair gel and slicks his hair back just right. It can’t look too perfect, though, because if the ladies think he spent too much time on his hair, they’ll also think that he’s too into himself and not the type of guy who will be attentive to their needs, or whatever. Then again, it can’t be too sloppy, because the ladies aren’t going to give up the ‘tang to sloppy fools.

9:35 pm

Things are looking good. Last but not least is the Drakkar Noir. Fuck Machine rubs three generous handfuls into his face. He knows that if the ladies don’t notice you right away, you need to rely on your scent to reel them in. Ladies can’t resist a man who smells like a man.

10:30 pm

Fuck Machine hits the road. His IROC-Z28 just had a new sport muffler installed. Although the tint on his windows is too dark to tell for sure, he’s pretty positive that the sound of the muffler and the big bass from the stereo has got the heads of all the hotties turning his way.

12:10 am

Fuck Machine is chillin’ at the second club of the evening, the first having been filled with uptight lesbians. He drinks ice water and sucks on Altoids so his breath doesn’t stink when he talks. The club is packed and soon a big-titted hottie approaches to ask him if he has a smoke. He tells her that he only smokes after sex. Big-Titted Hottie rolls her eyes and walks away. As she goes he yells, “Maybe it’s time you quit with the smokin’, ‘cause no one wants to wake up to those yellow-ass teeth of yours, anyway.” It’s important to make sure everyone around him knows that he wasn’t even into her.

1:30 am

Fuck Machine spots a wicked hottie standing around, looking bored. He approaches casually and asks if he’s seen her at the gym before. She says no. He says that she looks familiar, that she reminds him of his favorite dancer at his favorite titty bar, Slater’s. He asks her if she’s ever been to Slater’s. She says no. He tells her she should go because they have sexy dancers and a frickin’ awesome lunch buffet for a good price. There’s a salad bar, too, if she’s watching her weight like most chicks usually are. Wicked Hottie walks away without responding.

3:00 am

Fuck Machine returns to his crib, alone. There’s a message on the machine from Pump Action Video. Gash Slayers 4 is overdue. He gets into bed, drinks a six-pack of Bud and eats a can of peaches. Around his fourth beer, he begins to wonder if he will ever find that special someone to share his late night six-packs and cans of peaches with. Fuck Machine knows that tomorrow Cameo and the boys will ask him what he did last night. He’ll tell them he didn’t even make it to the club. He’ll say he stopped at 7-11 to buy rubbers and ended up hooking up with twins who were only too eager to get their freak on. Brazilians.

3:40 am

Fuck Machine finishes off the last of his six-pack and promises himself tomorrow will be different. There are a lot of ladies out there and all any of them want is to be satisfied by a real man.

3:41 am

Fuck Machine passes out.