Hey Get a Load of this Salt Lick!

Hey get a load of this! What is this thing? It’s like a milky white cube. Who put this here? I think it’s like a salt lick. They had them at this ranch my family used to go to when I was a little kid. For the horses. But I think they also work for deer. What was the name of that ranch? God those were fun times. You could ride horses and go fishing whenever you wanted. You lived like how real people lived, before we all got cooped up in offices like this, when you had to hunt your own food and clear your own dishes. You didn’t hunt things at this ranch though. I assume that the cattlemen hunted for you, or just bought food. What state was that ranch even in?

Anyway, a salt lick, how random! It is a salt lick, for sure. I just checked. That’s actually not bad. Is it wrong to lick it again? Is that like double dipping? I hope Janine with the corner office has licked it. I wouldn’t mind sharing a salt lick with her, hoo boy! Janine would come over and I’d say—Hey, watch out, I just licked that salt lick, and she’d say, Oh, That’s okay, I don’t mind, and then we’d each take a side and lick the salt lick together, and meet in the middle. Hoo Boy.

Maybe after that, Ron Blaze would come, but he’d only get the scraps. Ron Blaze from Inventory. What an asshole. No way that’s his real name. Blaze. Probably changed it from Blazopoulis or something. Sorry Ron, I’d say, walking away with Janine holding hands, You missed a great salt lick! Maybe next time! Maybe if you weren’t so busy changing your name to something stupid—

Oh hey Peter. How’s it hanging? Me—y’know—pretty good, long and strong, y’know! Ha ha! Hey you get a load of this salt lick? Yeah not too bad, right? Watch that corner, that’s where I was—

Janine! Hi! We were just talking about you! Weren’t we Peter? Oh yes we were—Peter’s such a kidder! Anyway, you get a lick of this yet? Oh, it’s a salt lick. Yeah, give it a try, totally safe. Oh yeah, no problem. I licked that corner, so if you wanna go with that one, y’know... I mean we know that part isn’t poisoned! Ha ha! Kidding, kidding, yeah—oh—that’s fine, you could go with that other corner instead, looks like no one’s licked that one yet, so it’s probably safe too. So what are you working on today, Invoices still, or—

Oh hello Ron. No, nothing. We were just, y’know, talking. Just friendly banter—conversation among friends, so you know—nothing to see here! Ha ha! Let’s move it along sir—oh—what’s that? I don’t know what that is. I heard someone say... salt lick? Is that—yeah, I guess it could be a salt lick. But I wouldn’t just—OR you could just go ahead and lick it, that’s fine too, I think Janine was licking that corner though, but okay, whatever. Just because we work together doesn’t mean we have to share everything, am I right? Janine? Oh—back at the salt lick, I see. Talk about a water cooler! Ha ha! But hey, Janine—watch that part, Ron just licked there, but—oh, ok, whatever. Whatever! Right Pete?

This isn’t your salt lick, is it Pete? No, me neither. Ron? Janine? Can’t hear me, I guess. Too busy with the ole’ salt lick—salt goes straight to their ears! Ha ha! Maybe it’s that guy’s. That guy over there. By the wall. See him? Look where I’m pointing. See? He’s like crouching. Follow my finger. Right there, against the wall. He’s kind of hard to see—he’s wearing a parka or something. It’s the exact same color of the wall. But you can spot him when he moves. There—he flinched a little. See? It’s like camouflage or something. Office Camouflage. I could use some office camouflage sometimes, hide from the boss, am I right? Ha ha! But you see him now, right? I don’t know what he’s doing. Maybe trying to observe us in our natural—

Oh my god, he’s got a gun. Don’t move, Janine. Pete. It’s a rifle. Freeze. Nobody move. If we don’t make any sudden movements, he won’t... just stay perfectly still, perfectly still so he doesn’t—

Oh my god Ron! He shot Ron! Run Janine! Bolt! Dive! Here—this way! Under this desk, he’ll never—he won’t look for us under here. Just don’t make any sound—I can see him through this crack here—he’s going over to Ron’s body and—oh my god, he’s taking a picture of himself! With our co-worker’s murdered body! Oh sweet Jesus, why Ron? Because he was the biggest? Does that cost him his life? What’s that—no, I wouldn’t say now I’m the biggest. Pete’s definitely bigger than me. I mean—that’s not to say—I would say that I’m stronger than Peter, but y’know, physically, he’s bigger—

Jesus he’s taking Ron’s body. Dragging him across the floor. The blood on the carpet—Jesus Christ where is security? Don’t look, Janine, just hold me tightly. We’re safe here. We escaped. Because we were the fastest, we escaped, and we’ll live on, our babies will be the fastest in the office, and—what? I don’t know what I’m saying, I mean, they just shot and killed Ron! Plus all that sodium, I don’t usually eat that much sodium. Never mind. Just hold me tightly. It looks like he’s gone, but we’d better—I wouldn’t go out there yet. Just stay here. I will keep you safe. Don’t let go.