The Retiree

A Play in One Scene

Afternoon in a park on a fair weekend day. Downstage, two park benches with their backs to the audience. Pete’s spot is upstage in front of the benches and between them, facing the audience.

At fade in, a young couple is sitting on one of the benches, holding hands, smiling, enjoying the view, acting as lovers do in public. The beginning of the Pastoral Symphony is heard for about ten seconds, and then the gay chirping of birds for five seconds. At the end of the birdcalls, Pete enters from one side of the stage. He moves to his spot in front of the benches, and stops with his back to the benches, evidently to enjoy the view. He looks back at the couple once or twice over his shoulder, turning his head slowly. They appear to ignore him. Still with his back to them, he begins to chuckle, softly at first but then much louder. Finally, getting quite loud, he turns and faces them.

PETE: Haw. Haw haw. Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Yeah. A ha ha ha. Uh huh. Oh yeah, oh yes yes. I said, you know, the dog! The dog needs to go away! Haw haw yip yip hoo!

(The couple on the bench look at each other and get up.)

PETE: Hey, Shep! Hey, Shep, Shep, Shep! You old dog, you! Where’s your leg, dog, you only got three! And your eye, Shep! You got an eye missing, too! Least it’s on the side so you can’t see you got a leg missing, boy!

(The couple walk off. Pete is silent and turns his back on the audience. Another couple arrive and sit on the other bench. They converse lovingly. Again Pete looks back at them once or twice, then turns and faces them.)

PETE: Da! Gosh da! Durn! Gol dum a gosh durn! Lousy two-bit trash heap hag and a cheap flea bitten old battle-ax! Dur! Ah ba ga do fo! Ah, Shuggie! Shuggie! Don’t you tell me that, woman! No, Shuggie! Don’t you tell me you’re not gonna fix my breakfast! Don’t you talk like that! Not to me! Not after what I did for you!

(As before, the couple look at each other and stand.)

PETE: Shuggie! Shuggie, you bat! You hear me, Shuggie, I know you do! That’s what I shoulda said! That old Shuggie! That old woman! You back off! You back off, woman! I’m not well, you know that! Gol durn nabbit go! Don’t you come at me when I’m sick, Shuggie! I’m so mad I’m ill!

(The couple walk off. Pete falls silent.)

JAY (Runs up jogging and stops before Pete. He continues to jog in place.): Pete, Pete! Is that you?

PETE (Slowly turning his head to Jay.): Well... Jay! Hello!

JAY: I thought it was you! When I saw you I said, that looks like old Pete! I mean... like Pete! So how’re you doing?

PETE: I’m... doing all right.

JAY: Swell! Great day to be out, eh?

PETE: Oh yes. It sure is.

JAY: That view’s unbelievable. Am I right?

PETE: Sure you are. I can’t resist it.

JAY: So how’s retirement treating you?

PETE: Fine. No complaints. It’s very... fulfilling.

JAY: Big change for you, eh?

PETE: That it is. I heartily recommend it. You should try it.

JAY: In a few more years, I will. About ten, I guess. So... staying busy?

PETE: Oh yeah. No problem there. I have my... hobby. Just working on my hobby right now.

JAY: Massaging the hobbies, eh?

PETE: Don’t you know it.

JAY: It’s been what, a year you’re gone?

PETE: Bout that, yeah, bout a year.

JAY: Great, man. Some guys wouldn’t know what to do with themselves. And how’s... Anne?

PETE: Oh she’s adjusting too. Not used to having me underfoot so often. She’s befuddled, but alive. Throws me out each morning. And how’s... your wife?

JAY: Jean’s doing just great. Started her own business in graphic design. You know, we still miss you in marketing. It was hard to fill your shoes.

PETE: Now that I don’t believe for a second.

JAY: The absolute truth! Pete, after six months the new guy still didn’t have a clue. He’s only now started to get it.

PETE: That long? Well, it is a challenge.

JAY: You’re right. So you’re doing OK, Pete?

PETE: Yeah, yeah, that’s my new car parked just down there.

JAY (Looking in the direction indicated.): Oh say, that’s something! That’s top of the line, isn’t it?

PETE: That it is. Paid cash from my vacation time payout. Give you a lift home in style?

JAY: Don’t bother. I’ll go on and finish my run. This is the first time I’ve jogged through the park this way. I usually go through the south end along the lake. Maybe I’ll run into you again this way. Tell you what, I’ll call you sometime. Have you over for dinner. Jean sometimes asks about you and Anne, especially since we’re almost neighbors.

PETE: Terrific. Look forward to it.

JAY: Well Jean’s home waiting for me to take her to lunch after my run, so I better get going. But I had to stop and say hello.

PETE: Sure.

JAY: Take ‘er easy.

PETE: So long.

(Jay jogs off and Pete turns his back to the audience. Another couple stroll on and sit on the bench. Pete glances over his shoulder at them once or twice, as before. He then faces them.)

PETE: Urg! Arg! Hep! Wub! Wub! Oh no! Oh no no no! Please! Please! You got to help me, please! Ah! Hoo! Boo! Help! Help me oh help me, please! Oh no, this is terrible! They’re after me! They’re all after me! They won’t leave me alone! They’re hounding me to death!

(The couple look at each other and stand.)

PETE: Oh lordy! Mercy! Mercy mercy mercy! Tell them leave me be! Tell them go away, I beg you! Oh hide me! Hide me from them, I beseech you! Take me with you now! Take me now before they come back!

(The couple walk off. Pete falls silent. He turns his back to the audience and adjusts his hat.)

Fade out.