Rue Vous Merde Sourde-Muette

The giant keeps banging his head on the ceiling. The giant lives underneath us. Lucy keeps saying the giant is silly, a dolt, asinine, a wee bit slow. At night the giant keeps me awake. He snores, talks in his sleep, screams because of terrible nightmares. I can hear the giant piss, shit, belch, burp, cough, spit, masticate. When I hear the giant piss, shit, belch, burp, cough, spit, masticate I jump and my heart misses a beat. I complain to Lucy and Lucy says, “You got to walk on your toes, you’re so heavy footed.” I can’t help my heavy feet, I wear a size thirteen. I compute the size of the giant’s eyes, ears, lips, heart, lung, liver, kidney, appendix, spleen, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves, cartilages, bones, brain, glands and even genitals. I try to picture the giant’s genitals, surely he has huge genitals. I am green with envy. He is a male giant because he watches football, basketball, baseball, NASCAR, CSI. We are in Paris, on Rue Vous Merde Sourde-Muette, quite close to where Louis-Ferdinand Celine wrote Voyage au bout de la nuit. We live in a beautiful apartment. In that apartment I intend to write my thesis concerning Rabelais, but I always get stuck at the first hurdle, why did Rabelais write about giants? Last night I lost my temper, I had been drinking with a friend by the name of James. When I got home I saw the giant’s front light on. I knocked on the door and challenged him to a pissing competition. “Come on you little bastard!” I shouted in the giant’s direction. His window opened. I leapt back. “Pull it out then!” shouted the giant. I unzipped my pants and pulled out my penis. “You fuck with that?” asked the giant sounding incredulous. I nodded. This facetiousness would not sail past me with impunity, I would show him, my bladder was bursting. Feeling slightly superior, I pissed and achieved wonderful arch. The zenith went above my head.

A bellowing laughter erupted once I had ceased pissing. It was a mocking laughter. I was slightly perplexed. This perplexity turned to shock once I saw the giant’s penis protruding out of the open window. It was gigantic and circumcised. Without warning the giant pissed on me. I fought but the torrential flood carried me off. The river of piss that he achieved washed me all the way to the Seine. I was washed away with flies, spiders, rats, cats, dogs, cows, bulls, bums, hobos, a Gendarmerie, twenty two bakers, a garlic carrier, three can-can girls, a madam, a bicycle, a motorbike, a car, a truck, a train, a jetplane. If it hadn’t been for a pair of lovers I would have drowned. I picked up a terrible disease but I won’t go into that.