Memo

To Staff: Your Incompetence Is Killing Me Slowly

TO: Staff
FROM: Vincent A. Gardner
RE: B-sheet Protocol

Dear all,

It has come to my attention that some of you are incapable of following protocol. And when I say that it’s come to my attention, I mean that I found a B-sheet in my inbox this morning. I will go through this one more time, only once, so please read carefully. B-sheets—not to be mistaken for B-forms—are tabbed with stickers corresponding to their level of urgency: yellow for urgent, orange for very urgent, red for extremely urgent, and blue for not urgent. DO NOT use the stickers reserved for B-forms. After labeling, forward B-sheet to Hutchins (big mustache, always smiling) in analysis, who will verify the level of urgency of your B-sheet. The B-sheet will then be fast-tracked, or tracked at subsequent lower speeds. Upon the completion of tracking, the B-sheet will be processed by the processing department. Once processed, it must be signed off on by Gallo in project development and then either Valance, Ram, or Brownley in accounting (Liz Brownley, not Bill Brownley from information technologies). The B-sheet has to be circulated for peer review and then submitted to the appropriate filing officer (A-C—Houston—always brings borsht for lunch, stinks up the break room; D-E—Wang—also brings something strange for lunch; Forms—whole different filing system). Following this step, you must have the B-sheet reverified by Hutchins (smiley face/piano key neckties) in analysis. IF AND ONLY IF the B-sheet clears final processing and editing, and finds its five signatories should the B-sheet be delivered to my assistant in the appropriate color-coded bin. He will evaluate the document, decide whether or not to forward it on to me, send it back for reworking, or deem it invalid. To avoid confusion, let’s try to stick to protocol in the future. Remind yourself that this is a business we’re running. I can’t pass on your B-sheet until it’s been given the OK by the necessary departments. So this request for a wheelchair ramp at the front of the building is going in the shredder. If you have any questions, refer to your A-C Sheet Procedure Manual. I don’t want to have to repeat myself.

Vincent A. Gardner, Assistant Deputy Supervisor

NOTE: I will send along instructions on revised B-form protocol later this afternoon.